**Warning - this might be gross** ...you were warned
So i have been told by many people i am mature for my age, I take that a face value. I may make mature decisions but i am a kid at heart. Well apparently my body took this statement to heart!
I went to Africa, you know this. While i was there, i got sick. I had diarrhea for 17 hours straight. That in itself is a awful experience. It was literally the worst 17 hours of my life, and the worst part was it didn't stop there. It attacked me, made me spray funny colors out of my rear end, then left a little present for me when it was done. This little present has a name, and an ugly name it is: Hemorrhoids.
You can get hemorrhoids a number of ways, the most common being: pushing too hard, child bearing or diarrhea. Hemorrhoids are mostly found in pregnant women or older adult males. Older meaning men in their 50's! I am 23, not 50, or even half that. I have all my hair, I don't take daily medication and don't tuck my shirt into my shorts. Walking in to the doctor with this problem was embarrassing enough without him making comments like "Well you're way ahead of the game here" or "Most of my patients with this problem are upset because they are missing an episode of mash." Not funny. He tells me i am going to have to have surgery to remove them and refers me over to a surgeon. But first he must give me a thorough examination.
Let me tell you, if a doctor ever tells you he is going to give you a thorough examination, tell him no. I think i am the youngest person to ever receive a prostate examine. The worst part was he didn't even tell me he was going to do it. He put on his gloves and said, "Okay, brace yourself." I turned to look at him with a puzzled look on my face and up went his finger up the exit hole. The worst experience of my adult life, by far.
So he refers me over to a surgeon that is as old as surgery itself. I am sitting in his office, looking at his medical degree from 1942. Yes 1942. After being ushered into an exam room by his russian mail order secretary i am told to strip down and put on a gown. I notice on the table there is a rubber glove and some medical lubricant. NOT HAPPENING AGAIN!!!! The doctor comes in and the first thing i say to him is,"No more prostate exams, my prostates good. I checked it myself this morning." He laughs and tells me okay he doesn't need one. He checks me out and tells me, "Well, you got yourself some hemorrhoids." Uh, duh. "We will have to operate as soon as we can." Yay. "We also need to get you a colonoscopy done after your healed up." Why the heck must they insist on sticking so many things up a tube that is for exit only. Not fun.
Pre-op day comes and i go in to see the nurse. She is really nice and turns out she is friends with one of my good friends. She ends up praying for me and really encourages me. She was a good nurse. Anyways then they prescribe some things i need to take prior to going in to surgery to help "clean me out." So we went for africa diarrhea round two.
The next morning i arrive for surgery fully "cleaned out" and ready to go. The nurse says "We need to make sure you are cleaned out, we are going to give you an enema." A ene-what? I had no idea what she meant, but she was kinda cute and i didnt want to sound stupid so i pretended like i knew what she was talking about. She proceeded to fill up a bucket of water with a tube attached to it. I nodded like i knew exactly what was going to happen. In my mind i was scared to death and had no idea why she needed a bucket of water. Then she tells me to turn on my side and pop! In goes something else up the wrong tube. What the heck is wrong with these people?!? She then fills my intestine up with the ENTIRE bucket of water and tells me to hold it in for as long as i can. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? It took about three seconds before i was running to the bathroom. After i splashed into the toilet and dried myself off i went back my bed to await surgery.
I get wheeled to a waiting room and the anesthesiologist comes to talk over his job with me. He walks in and he is 6'4'' with a turban on. Over his turban is a hair net and he has a lazy eye that is so bad, he literally looked like a gecko. He asked me what my religious preference was. I told him "I am Jewish and would like kosher anesthesia please." This made him laugh so hard he was crying out his lazy eye. he had me sign my life away and i was being wheeled to the operating room by a small asian lady who had a lot of trouble pushing me down the hall.
We got into the operating room and kola 99.9 was playing on the radio. "Work it on out!" filled the air as i drifted into comatose.
I awoke to a nurse tending me. Before i could see, before i could even think clearly, i looked at her and in a half drunk voice said, "Wow, i have the most beautiful nurse in the whole hospital!" Everyone in recovery thought this was hilarious. When i really did wake up i then tried to apologize for calling her beautiful. The conversation went something like, "I'm really sorry i called you beautiful, i wasn't thinking straight." The nurse was like "Did you really just apologize for calling me beautiful? Can i put you back to sleep now?" My doctor came in and says "Well you had the worst hemorrhoids i've ever seen. I pulled one out of there the size of a plum!!" WHAT?!? The size of a plum! I then tried to stand up cause i really had to pee and they wouldn't let me. They said i had to sit for 30 minutes until the anesthesia wore off. So i waited the appropriate time then went home.
Before leaving they tell me, "Don't be afraid to have a bowel movement. Just do it but try not to push too hard. You can clean the area with "Tucks Medicated Pads" and here is some pain medication."
Well let me tell you that everything in that sentence is a lie. What they should have said was "When you have a bowel movement its going to feel like a 17 year old midget is trying to escape via your anus. He is going to punch you in the face when he gets out and you will bleed a lot. "Tucks" motto is "Comfort. Soothe. Cool." but that really means when you wipe with them its going to feel like you just spread molten lava on your butt and its going to make you cry. They should really change their motto to "These are some burning pads of death, sucka!" Oh and one last thing the pain medication we are giving you is experimental and will make you feel dizzy and nauseated, so you wont be able to take it at all. HAVE FUN WITH SATON!!"
Friday, December 25, 2009
God's Calling, Im Answering
Well, as all of you know, I went to Kenya. Needless to say, it was amazing. Before i left one of my prayers was for direction of my life, because as much as i love DJing, i knew that was not my calling. So i asked, and God responded, in a huge way. Here is how:
On one of our home visits we encountered a little boy. He was sick and obviously not having a good day. I stood back and watched each one of my team members interact with him, trying to illicit a smile, a laugh, some kind of reaction other than the intense agony on his face. After watching my team mates for a period of about 20 minutes i walked up to the little boy and sat next to him.
Beneath his shirt were open and oozing sores and it was apparent this little boy would not have a pleasant road ahead of him. I sat there and asked God quite angrily, "Do you see this?!? How can you let this happen?!? What can I do? I can give this kid everything i own, i can give him all the money in my pockets, give him the shirt of my back, i can give hime EVERYTHING. But that wont change any of this. He is still going to be sick, he is still going to suffer, and ultimately, he is going to die."
Then i saw a picture of when i was a young kid. I was 4 years old and my Grandma was holding me in my arms. She was covering my face with kisses. My 4 year old face lit up with happiness and laughter. So i picked up this little boys stuffed doll & kissed his face with it. The little boy's anguish faded and a broad smile spread across his beautiful face. He came closer to me and i began to tickle him, he began to laugh.
In that moment i could tell he left his situation. He left his sickness, his lonliness, his fear, and in that moment, he was happy. His pain didn’t bother him. As i was walking away God spoke to me, "This is what i have for you Joe. Come here and bring joy to my people."
I spoke this over with our team leader, and he and I discussed how it appeared over the last 2 years, God had been preparing me for exactly that, to move away and live in Africa.
I was reading that night in James chapter 1: 22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
So i asked myself, "What is it God's word is telling me to do?" God answered with Luke 18:21 The man replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.”
22 When Jesus heard his answer, he said, “There is still one thing you haven’t done. Sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
23 But when the man heard this he became very sad, for he was very rich.
24 When Jesus saw this,[d] he said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God! 25 In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
26 Those who heard this said, “Then who in the world can be saved?”
27 He replied, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.”
So that is what i am doing. Selling all of my possessions, and chasing after God's heart. And God's heart is in Africa.
Accomplish Life,
Joe Bartucca
On one of our home visits we encountered a little boy. He was sick and obviously not having a good day. I stood back and watched each one of my team members interact with him, trying to illicit a smile, a laugh, some kind of reaction other than the intense agony on his face. After watching my team mates for a period of about 20 minutes i walked up to the little boy and sat next to him.
Beneath his shirt were open and oozing sores and it was apparent this little boy would not have a pleasant road ahead of him. I sat there and asked God quite angrily, "Do you see this?!? How can you let this happen?!? What can I do? I can give this kid everything i own, i can give him all the money in my pockets, give him the shirt of my back, i can give hime EVERYTHING. But that wont change any of this. He is still going to be sick, he is still going to suffer, and ultimately, he is going to die."
Then i saw a picture of when i was a young kid. I was 4 years old and my Grandma was holding me in my arms. She was covering my face with kisses. My 4 year old face lit up with happiness and laughter. So i picked up this little boys stuffed doll & kissed his face with it. The little boy's anguish faded and a broad smile spread across his beautiful face. He came closer to me and i began to tickle him, he began to laugh.
In that moment i could tell he left his situation. He left his sickness, his lonliness, his fear, and in that moment, he was happy. His pain didn’t bother him. As i was walking away God spoke to me, "This is what i have for you Joe. Come here and bring joy to my people."
I spoke this over with our team leader, and he and I discussed how it appeared over the last 2 years, God had been preparing me for exactly that, to move away and live in Africa.
I was reading that night in James chapter 1: 22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
So i asked myself, "What is it God's word is telling me to do?" God answered with Luke 18:21 The man replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was young.”
22 When Jesus heard his answer, he said, “There is still one thing you haven’t done. Sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
23 But when the man heard this he became very sad, for he was very rich.
24 When Jesus saw this,[d] he said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God! 25 In fact, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
26 Those who heard this said, “Then who in the world can be saved?”
27 He replied, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.”
So that is what i am doing. Selling all of my possessions, and chasing after God's heart. And God's heart is in Africa.
Accomplish Life,
Joe Bartucca
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I bless the rains down in africa!!!
For this blog, we will go back in time, and be brought back to the present, all within the 10 minutes it takes you to read this.
In March of 2008, i was playing bass on worship team for Water of life. We were practicing for service and the worship leader, Chantel, had chosen the song “He Reigns” by The Newsboys. The very first line in the song reads: “It’s the sound of the redeemed, Rising from the African plains.” I had heard the song a thousand times, but actually playing it, and hearing the words sung in front of me, God started to work in my heart a love for Africa. Over the next year and a half I have been praying feverously for an opportunity to go to Africa. A team would come up, and I would pray for God to open up doors, to no avail. I kept praying and hoping for a chance to go play with some African kids. I know its probably wrong of me to say this, but i have always had a heart for foreign kids. I just seem to like chinese, african, indian kids more than white kids. I know, it's bad, but its the truth.
Fast forward to September 22nd, 2009, My cell phone rings and its Santosh Abraham (another one of the worship leaders from Water of Life) on the other line. He asks if I am available to play on the following Sunday. It just so happens I have that morning off and would be absolutely delighted to. We start our set on Sunday morning, and Chantel was able to join us again, ironic as it turns out. Right before we are about to start our third service, the venue pastor walks up to us and says, “We are sending a team to Kenya, but are in desperate need of guys. They will sponsor $1200 of the total $2700 of the trip of a guy who wants to go. They are leaving on October 16th through the 29th.” My heart started to race, and I pointed to myself. “Um, MEEEEE!!!!!!! I want to go! What do I have to do?” He advised me to hook up with Katie Mueller (Water of Life Missions Director) to find out what needed to be done. I was excited, needless to say. The possibility that I might be going to Africa still hadn't set in.
I found Katie in the hallway later that morning. She said I needed to have $500 in by 11:00 am Monday morning because she was going to buy the plane tickets that day. I didn’t have money for lunch, let alone $500 in 20 hours. I was disheartened but Katie reassured me if God wanted me to go he would make it happen. Right after she said that one of my friends came to me and asked what I was talking to Katie about. I explained the situation. Without hesitation he pulled out his check book and wrote me a check of support. I was reduced to tears. It was very apparent that God wanted me to go to Africa. In the next hour, I had received 4 text messages with people supporting me. In less than 70 minutes the $500 had been covered. Praise God!
There is a funny thing that happens when God begins to work in peoples lives like this. You don't really know quite how to react. Of course i was overwhelmed with joy and adrenaline still courses through my veins, but i had this strong sense to start hugging people and telling them Jesus was King! I found myself christianizing everything! Needless to say, i am so excited to see how God works over the next two weeks, and the two weeks that we are there. Pray for us!
Accomplish Life,
Joe
In March of 2008, i was playing bass on worship team for Water of life. We were practicing for service and the worship leader, Chantel, had chosen the song “He Reigns” by The Newsboys. The very first line in the song reads: “It’s the sound of the redeemed, Rising from the African plains.” I had heard the song a thousand times, but actually playing it, and hearing the words sung in front of me, God started to work in my heart a love for Africa. Over the next year and a half I have been praying feverously for an opportunity to go to Africa. A team would come up, and I would pray for God to open up doors, to no avail. I kept praying and hoping for a chance to go play with some African kids. I know its probably wrong of me to say this, but i have always had a heart for foreign kids. I just seem to like chinese, african, indian kids more than white kids. I know, it's bad, but its the truth.
Fast forward to September 22nd, 2009, My cell phone rings and its Santosh Abraham (another one of the worship leaders from Water of Life) on the other line. He asks if I am available to play on the following Sunday. It just so happens I have that morning off and would be absolutely delighted to. We start our set on Sunday morning, and Chantel was able to join us again, ironic as it turns out. Right before we are about to start our third service, the venue pastor walks up to us and says, “We are sending a team to Kenya, but are in desperate need of guys. They will sponsor $1200 of the total $2700 of the trip of a guy who wants to go. They are leaving on October 16th through the 29th.” My heart started to race, and I pointed to myself. “Um, MEEEEE!!!!!!! I want to go! What do I have to do?” He advised me to hook up with Katie Mueller (Water of Life Missions Director) to find out what needed to be done. I was excited, needless to say. The possibility that I might be going to Africa still hadn't set in.
I found Katie in the hallway later that morning. She said I needed to have $500 in by 11:00 am Monday morning because she was going to buy the plane tickets that day. I didn’t have money for lunch, let alone $500 in 20 hours. I was disheartened but Katie reassured me if God wanted me to go he would make it happen. Right after she said that one of my friends came to me and asked what I was talking to Katie about. I explained the situation. Without hesitation he pulled out his check book and wrote me a check of support. I was reduced to tears. It was very apparent that God wanted me to go to Africa. In the next hour, I had received 4 text messages with people supporting me. In less than 70 minutes the $500 had been covered. Praise God!
There is a funny thing that happens when God begins to work in peoples lives like this. You don't really know quite how to react. Of course i was overwhelmed with joy and adrenaline still courses through my veins, but i had this strong sense to start hugging people and telling them Jesus was King! I found myself christianizing everything! Needless to say, i am so excited to see how God works over the next two weeks, and the two weeks that we are there. Pray for us!
Accomplish Life,
Joe
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Technological Self Worth
I am a techie. Not an intense techie that has Cnet.com set as my home page, but enough of a techie to be subscribed to the Angry Video Game Nerd on youtube. Lately i have noticed a trend that has been happening for quite some time. Us techies have started measuring our self worth by our technological accomplishments.
Have you ever had lunch with a techie? There is no doubt, that at least one time during your luncheon he will say, "Dude, gonna update my facebook right now." It's completely vital for a techie to have at least 3 social networking sites, all available from his cell phone. In a touch of a button he told all 407 of his friends that he was eating French Onion Soup that tasted like feet. (Actually a personal update) Is it necessary for anyone to know this? No. Does anyone even care? No. You can always tell when you have a techie friend on facebook because your page will be filled with their updates. You will sign on and it will be:
Joe is watching trueblood.
Joe is eating a grilled cheese.
Joe just throat chopped chuck norris.
Your page will be filled with updates from your techie friend. BUT it's not the techies fault. See the problem is he is an avid social networker. So at any given time he has 400+ friends all updating his home page, so in his world, his updates are far and few between. He forgets that you only have 13 friends and that the other 12 only updates once a week, with important posts, such as: My wife just had a baby! Got into a car accident, everything is okay. New Moon Trailer totally gave me a goosebumps! etc. etc.
A techie will always flaunt his friends list too. "Ya man, i got 407 friends on the Face. What are you at? 200? Ah man weak sauce. You must get really bored knowing so little people." It's true. Its as if this world of social networking has literally taken the place of a core group of friends. Instead of having a best friend or group of friends you go an do things with. You play games with 400 acquaintances where you steal their crops and plant flowers. This is the life of a Techie.
Another thing a techie will always brag about it cell phone reception. Ever been with someone and they, out of the blue, say "Man, i have full service!" A techie overcompensating the fact he spent way to much on his phone so he can play games and it can tell him where to go because he cant read a map or atlas. Next time your out with a techie friend, mess with him. Tell him you have full service in a place you know he does not. He will be sad, and you will have ruined his day.
There is a battle amongst techies about PC vs. Mac. The two arguments are basically, "Anything your PC can do, Mac can do better." and " I cant afford an amazing computer so i bought this crappy dell." The truth is, no matter how convincing a PC Techie may be, PC is an inferior machine. Any PC Techie wishes and dreams about owning a Mac one day. And maybe one day it will come. I am sitting here drooling over my buddies new Mac Book Pro and gettin slobber in the keys of my dell. Stupid Stupid Dell, why must you despise me??
With Boredem,
Joe
Have you ever had lunch with a techie? There is no doubt, that at least one time during your luncheon he will say, "Dude, gonna update my facebook right now." It's completely vital for a techie to have at least 3 social networking sites, all available from his cell phone. In a touch of a button he told all 407 of his friends that he was eating French Onion Soup that tasted like feet. (Actually a personal update) Is it necessary for anyone to know this? No. Does anyone even care? No. You can always tell when you have a techie friend on facebook because your page will be filled with their updates. You will sign on and it will be:
Joe is watching trueblood.
Joe is eating a grilled cheese.
Joe just throat chopped chuck norris.
Your page will be filled with updates from your techie friend. BUT it's not the techies fault. See the problem is he is an avid social networker. So at any given time he has 400+ friends all updating his home page, so in his world, his updates are far and few between. He forgets that you only have 13 friends and that the other 12 only updates once a week, with important posts, such as: My wife just had a baby! Got into a car accident, everything is okay. New Moon Trailer totally gave me a goosebumps! etc. etc.
A techie will always flaunt his friends list too. "Ya man, i got 407 friends on the Face. What are you at? 200? Ah man weak sauce. You must get really bored knowing so little people." It's true. Its as if this world of social networking has literally taken the place of a core group of friends. Instead of having a best friend or group of friends you go an do things with. You play games with 400 acquaintances where you steal their crops and plant flowers. This is the life of a Techie.
Another thing a techie will always brag about it cell phone reception. Ever been with someone and they, out of the blue, say "Man, i have full service!" A techie overcompensating the fact he spent way to much on his phone so he can play games and it can tell him where to go because he cant read a map or atlas. Next time your out with a techie friend, mess with him. Tell him you have full service in a place you know he does not. He will be sad, and you will have ruined his day.
There is a battle amongst techies about PC vs. Mac. The two arguments are basically, "Anything your PC can do, Mac can do better." and " I cant afford an amazing computer so i bought this crappy dell." The truth is, no matter how convincing a PC Techie may be, PC is an inferior machine. Any PC Techie wishes and dreams about owning a Mac one day. And maybe one day it will come. I am sitting here drooling over my buddies new Mac Book Pro and gettin slobber in the keys of my dell. Stupid Stupid Dell, why must you despise me??
With Boredem,
Joe
9.22.09
As i sat in my apartment, it dawned on me that i haven't written a blog in a while. I have written plenty of songs and thats all fine and dandy, but lets be honest, it's the real nitty gritty stuff people want. So here it is!
God is moving tremendously in my life. I am feeling convicted about things i never even knew i needed to stop doing and in turn my life has been healthier and happier than ever. God's love really is amazing. I am learning more and more about God's character and the more i learn about him, the more i am attracted to him.
I have been praying about where to start serving again. I have been away for so long and i really need a place to serve others. I hear people talk all the time about how "they aren't being fed". To be honest i think that's a load of junk. The bible says in matthew that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. In order to receive God's blessing you need to be humble and serve others. Then God will work miraculous things into your life. If you don't believe me, try it and you'll see. Anyways, I really feel like i need to start serving at Water of Life's High School group. I remember the impact my leaders had on me when i was in highschool and i still am very close friends with them today. So i am going to start committing my time there and see God work. Should be a blast!
Accomplish Life,
Joe
God is moving tremendously in my life. I am feeling convicted about things i never even knew i needed to stop doing and in turn my life has been healthier and happier than ever. God's love really is amazing. I am learning more and more about God's character and the more i learn about him, the more i am attracted to him.
I have been praying about where to start serving again. I have been away for so long and i really need a place to serve others. I hear people talk all the time about how "they aren't being fed". To be honest i think that's a load of junk. The bible says in matthew that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. In order to receive God's blessing you need to be humble and serve others. Then God will work miraculous things into your life. If you don't believe me, try it and you'll see. Anyways, I really feel like i need to start serving at Water of Life's High School group. I remember the impact my leaders had on me when i was in highschool and i still am very close friends with them today. So i am going to start committing my time there and see God work. Should be a blast!
Accomplish Life,
Joe
...
Oh Lord I try so hard
when i shouldnt be trying at all
and i push so far
when i should be pressing into you
Oh Lord help me help myself
to be the man i'm called to be
Please wrap your arms around
fall on me I am on my knees
Oh Lord your loves immense
and i am broken and poor
How do I live a prolific life
Hemorrhaging of Your love
Here I am, Change me God
Use me for Your Will
Here I am, Change me God
Let Your love overflow
when i shouldnt be trying at all
and i push so far
when i should be pressing into you
Oh Lord help me help myself
to be the man i'm called to be
Please wrap your arms around
fall on me I am on my knees
Oh Lord your loves immense
and i am broken and poor
How do I live a prolific life
Hemorrhaging of Your love
Here I am, Change me God
Use me for Your Will
Here I am, Change me God
Let Your love overflow
Friday, September 11, 2009
Forgiveness
She sits alone in her bedroom
Staring at her designer walls
A battle rages beneath her skin
She hugs her knees as the tears fall
Storms of guilt now cloud her mind
Thinking back when times were easy
Driving away any resemblance of love
Reaching out to the aesthetically pleasing
And don't worry about me now
I give you back everything i've wronged
Please don't worry about me now
You're forgiven for all you've done
She lives her life like its hide a seek
Renouncing everything she knows is true
She's fighting for air in a thick black fog
Now she's all alone not knowing what to do
Staring at her designer walls
A battle rages beneath her skin
She hugs her knees as the tears fall
Storms of guilt now cloud her mind
Thinking back when times were easy
Driving away any resemblance of love
Reaching out to the aesthetically pleasing
And don't worry about me now
I give you back everything i've wronged
Please don't worry about me now
You're forgiven for all you've done
She lives her life like its hide a seek
Renouncing everything she knows is true
She's fighting for air in a thick black fog
Now she's all alone not knowing what to do
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